Candidate Profiles

CRUNCHY KEN

Some say Crunchy Ken is the man/alien responsible for sparking the protests leading up to the demand for a new presidential election. Nobody really knows where he came from, only that he has some elbows. It has been speculated that he is possibly a spy from Gordhongo, a genetic experiment gone right from Gordon Gordon Inc, or an alien leprechaun (Conspiracy Joe made me put that one in there). Whatever he is, the citizens are in support of him and his policies involving large bird excavations and blankets.


6 SLICES

6 Slices is known by many different faces, all of which are terrifyingly horrible. It all began when a young bacteria culture was created in the lab, and it was able to form its first word. Unfortunately, this couldn't last forever. The lunatic who created the small bacteria mold called it 6 Slices, probably because he was injecting pure gasoline into his veins. 6 Slices hasn't been able to learn any more words besides that one. the political agenda of 6 Slices includes creating a welfare program for children under the age of 3 and also citizens who weigh over 4,000 pounds (surprisingly a lot). The money to fund this program will be taken directly out of Gordon Gordon's private bank account in Gordhongo.


GLADIATOR JIM

3 year Gladiator for the Ghumada Gladiator League and occasional stand-up comedian (though not very often, like once every 7 years) Gladiator Jim is everything you wouldn't want in a presidential candidate. He is not at all intelligent, always falls down when in line doing Gladiator march stuff, and has been known to occasionally change skin color. In addition to these highly unfavorable traits, he also destroyed the Ghumada Constitution apparently on accident. Unfortunately, he couldn't receive any punishment for this deed as the constitution contained the rules for punishment and it got destroyed. If elected, Gladiator Jim wants to create a more stable government by demolishing the current government building and constructing a playground in its place. He claims that by installing a series of bucket lift systems, they can use a mixture of water and crab meat to balance out the flaws in the government. He clearly lacks any understanding of basic life principles.

TOPIARY DAIRY

Lead police officer for over 20 minutes and a well known  figure around the general everywhere of Ghumada, Topiary Dairy has decided to run for president to bring due justice into the political situation of Ghumada. He has 3 wives, 4 of which are grasshoppers. They have reportedly been trying to have children for many years now without much success.



A MOTORCYCLIST

We don't really know the name of this candidate, but he wanted to be elected. And we don't know anything about him either.

CARVER KERVER

A surprise last minute nominee that quite honestly denies everything i have ever learned, Carver Kerver apparently communicated that he wishes to run for president through a series of high pitched squealing noises. Nobody even knew this guy (?) existed until he came flying out of the woods in an old beat up pick up truck. He must have been hiding out there for quite a while because all that was left of the truck was a seat and three wheels. It didn't even have an engine! Never the less, we have multiple witness accounts of this strange deer man charging out of the woods and on to the highway at around 150 miles per second. That may not be entirely accurate as the witness was one of Topiary Dairy's grasshopper wives, but still, he may actually have a chance of beating out the other candidates. And I don't mean he'll surpass them in votes, I mean he may literally start physically abusing someone. After all, there's no constitution to say that weird freak deer mutations can't abuse presidential candidates.

UPCOMING CANDIDATES:
?????BIG BOB'S SMALL COUSIN

 ???????

 ??!!!!!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

CHUN-EE-KWUH
We weren't quite sure how to deal with this nomination, so we just pretended like we never saw it.














GARY THE GHOST

Gary the Ghost wanted more than anything to be on the presidential candidate list, but unfortunately, due to the rules stating that you must be alive in order to be eligible to run, he was banned from running for president. He probably wouldn't make a very good president if he ran anyway, as he was born 4 centuries before a calendar was even invented in a hollow tree in the middle of the woods. He lived a good long life of 23 years before getting hit by a cruise ship on his way to work on the local scorpion farm. Ever since then, he has been wandering the world and tormenting citizens of Ghumada in his eternal state of damnation. Nobody knows why he chose to stay in Ghumada so long, as he is free to go wherever he'd like to in the entire world. If I were him, I'd be taking a permanent vacation to the island paradise of African. I hear they have some good stuff going on there.


R.I.P GARY THE GHOST (???-????)
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