An Incredible Scientific Breakthrough

 May 24, 2021 Ghumada, Ghumada

Marvelous news comes today from the labs of Polaris Tech Inc LLC Inc, formerly known as Gordon Gordon Inc. Following the untimely disappearance of former lead scientist Gordon Gordon, new management from within the company has been "focusing efforts on improving the customs of every Ghumadan citizens' life, by whatever means necessary..", says CEO Orkle Albana, over a grainy video chat in which he appeared to be fully nude and covered in some sort of oozing purple slime. Today, spokesperson Grerg Kilopy reports on an exciting discovery, in the first legal news conference in over 5 years. 

"We at Polaris Tech Inc LLC Inc have an exciting announcement to make for all Citizens of Ghumada. We have made a breakthrough in the field of technologies, allowing us to increase our profits in the field of exporting sketchy pharmacuetical drugs made from the toxic waste excreted from rare Ghordongian slugs. These drugs have no real use, in fact they do more harm then good, but we have formed a deal with the Crombolians to sell them at 1000x their production value, following many hours of negations."

This exciting business venture has allowed Polaris Tech Inc LLC Inc to develop and distribute a new product that will promise a breakthrough in the fields of science. Anonymous authorities claiming to be experts in the fields of science have proclaimed that it will improve the lives of every citizen who ingest its unknown, gooey purple contents, though are cautioned against questioning the mysterious side effects and purpose 0f the newly formulated drug. 

In an interview with Bickle Talbano, a science clone specimen from created in the depths of an alleged secret underground science bunker beneath the labs of Polaris Tech Inc LLC, he had this to say:

"The Xeno XZ5988 Injection is a real breakthrough in science technology. I won't be receiving the dose, obviously, but we are looking forward to observing the reaction among the population of the Ghumada citizens."

In another interview with citizen Doogana Lee, a recipient of the new experimental medicine, she explains her experience with receiving the new experimental medicine:

"Well, I stepped into the doctor's office, which was really just a plastic sheet taped to some decaying ruins in the middle of a smoldering parking lot, and immediately I knew something was off. The nurse walked in wearing a hood and a cape and nothing else, and told me to be calm cause everything was supposed to be ok. I asked him to explain the benefits and side effects of the medicine, but he couldn't.

 I decided to take the medicine anyway, cause they been sayin it'll improve your life and all. About 5-10 minutes after gettin it poked into my neck, I started to feel the side effects, or at least the doctor says so. My eyes peeled back into my head and I fell onto the floor. Next thing I know my husband Jimbu Lee is carrying me into bed and I've been here ever since garbling up some sort of purple fluid..."

The authorities claiming to be experts in science have encouraged citizens to ignore these alleged side effects and take the experimental medicine anyway, because it will improve your life. In order to investigate this new scientific breakthrough further, we decided to schedule a tour of the newly remodeled Polaris Tech Inc LLC labs.

The entrance to the lab consists of a very large statue of a generic Orkle Albana clone towering hundreds of feet above the doors. The doors slide open to reveal a spectacular lobby which leads to a gaping chasm in the middle of the floor. Various clones wearing improperly fitting lab coats can be seen jumping into the hole, screaming loudly on the way down. This appears to be some sort of experiment, as the elder clones observe intently from glass rooms in the walls. 

Further along, through a moldy brick hallway lit by flickering fluorescent lights, screams can be heard in the cells behind thick metal doors. Occasionally a burst of flames shoots through the walls, and the silhouette of a figure with deer horns and lots of tentacles can be seen through a dense fog and heard emitting a foul shrieking noise that became more annoying  than frightening after a while. We were not sure was that was all about, but it seemed to occur quite frequently.

At the end of the hallway, we found the main lab where the Polaris technology was being created. Hundreds of clones could be seen scurrying around everywhere in an apparent chaos with no obvious purpose. They kept bumping into each other and falling as if they were no more than 15 minutes old. One of them was sitting in the corner screaming and crying. It didn't look like anyone was getting anything done at all really.

In conclusion, the new experimental medicine developed by Polaris Tech Inc LLC is being highly encouraged by Polaris Tech Inc LLC, for the improvement of your health. This article was sponsored by Polaris Tech Inc LLC. 

Ghumada Scientists Seek Sustainable Energy

As the capital city of Ghumada expands, a need for a sustainable source of clean energy has arisen. Currently, the city is powered by a smoldering mound of rubbish which may include several displaced body parts within its contents. Needless to say, the smell is horrible. That is why 3 citizens, including Biv Shonk, have decided to take action. The Ghumada News action investigation team decided to take a closer look into this problem, as citizens are becoming mildly upset.

"We don't need this mound of burning displaced body parts! It is bad for health!" 

Based on this interview, it is clear that action needs to be taken. To further this investigation, we approached acting committee council member Lee Horchtz directly:

"I can neither confirm nor deny the accused accusations of burning mound of flesh. Citizens are provided a fair amount of 3 electricity every year and that is more than fair. How said electricity is acquired is the matter of Supreme Minister Guadalupe."

So, we made the journey up to Supreme Minister Guadalupe's Holy Temple in order to have a word with him. The temple lies at the top of 30 million unevenly placed steps. As we ascended the architectural monstrosity, it became clear that the Supreme Minister had done everything in his power to make it impossible for visitors to reach him. This was evident based on the intimidating miscellaneous skulls strewn about, and the inconvenient flame traps placed sporadically. 

It may be worthwhile to note that nobody has seen or heard more than 3 aggressive syllables from Ghumada's self proclaimed "Supreme Minsiter" for over 5 years. It started when the capital's infrastructure began to rapidly deteriorate following the destructive wake of 5-7 hurricanes. After the first storm hit, the only weather lab in Ghumada, which consisted of a small plastic rotating windmill outside Gordon Gordon's labratory, was tragically destroyed.

Nonetheless, Ghumada News Investigation team pursued the case with a flaming vigor. After a 40 week journey, the remaining members of the research team arrived at long last to the temple. Upon reaching the gates of the temple, 

Sprawling green lawns embellished with exquisite colorful and exotic flower beds accented golden statues of various indistinguishable objects beneath blossoming trees. The Minister Guadalupe was, quote, "completely naked underneath a bloodstained robe, chasing a terrified and screaming old man who appeared to be lit on fire all around the place. It was truly not something I wanted to see."

When confronted, Supreme Minster Guadalupe had this to say: "I am Supreme Holy Master, I am best one at anything. Ask anyone, and they will say that Guadalupe is best. No one says not."

It was at this time that Gordhongo President Sevan DeQuan Junior III appeared from behind one of the immense golden pillars of Supreme Minister Guadalupe's Temple.