Gordon Gordon's Intruder

In observing the lab of Gordon Gordon from the outside on this particular day, one would notice that the small partially boarded over window has been painted over with some kind of reflective material. But wait, now the smoke settles and you see that it wasn't paint after all but another one of Gordon Gordon's hysterical experiments. For a moment, the uncomfortable silence settles in, then, as if on cue, the mad cackle of a deranged scientist reverberates through the air, sending chills down the backs of anyone unfortunate enough to be in the area at the wrong moment.

"I've done it!" he exclaims, "I've figured out how to stop the aging process!" He proudly holds a small vile of a gooey brown  substance. As he stares inquisitively at his creation, a small curious bubble surfaces and explodes, sending a splatter of disgusting manure-smelling fluid into his eyes. Damn it, he thinks, I've forgotten to wear my safety eye-protection again!

"Ouch!" he proclaims "It itches!" For a moment, nothing extraordinary happens. But, two seconds later, a marvelous change begins to take place. Gordon Gordon suddenly stands up straight, his eyes bulging open seemingly beyond maximum capacity. For approximately 6 minutes, he stands alert without moving. Finally, after what seems like an eternity to any convenient spectator (there were none) he slowly begins to open his mouth until he is emitting an annoying high pitched noise that has never before been heard in Ghumada.

"Holy Hell! I feel as if I could lift a car battery!" And he did, however he didn't have any convenient car batteries laying around the lab at that moment, and he didn't have a car (he decided to ride his favorite rhinoceros/fruit fly hybrid to work today) so he walked over to the nearest bus stop about 4 miles down the road from the lab.

After 3 minutes of slow paced trotting down the muddy dirt road, he suddenly began to run wildly, similarly to some kind of wild running creature that received an injection of otherworldly narcotics. After finally reaching the bus stop, he realized that he had forgotten his neck watch back at the lab. How was he to check how long it would take the bus to arrive without his trusty neck watch!? So, after a quick gesture signaling the bus to move along, he began rapidly scurrying back towards the general direction of his lab.

Back in the lab, Gordon Gordon burst through the door (which at this point was actually a thin hole-filled sheet hanging form the arch where there may have once been a door) He happened to pass by the cracked, filth-covered mirror that he had hung there years ago. A nervous shriek escaped his throat.

"Holy Hell! I look as if I haven't aged in a day!" And it was true, he looked exactly the same as he had this morning. For this reason, he decided to celebrate his new discovery. He got out some snacks and 15 minutes later the lab was filled with music and thick colorful smoke. He also crafted some very bright flashing colorful lights that could be seen from all around.

The small celebration, which lasted far into the night time, attracted the attention of a lonely passerby who had lost his home in an unfortunate accident which resulted in the loss of his entire family and most of his belongings. All he had left of his former life was a wet black t-shirt filled with holes and the small left shoe of a child. He carried these things around as if they were his entire world. Which they were, as the only mementos he would ever have left of his family.

The stranger had been wondering through the dense forests of Ghumada for many hours until he heard the comforting sounds of rude music and mad screaming coming from the other direction. He immediately pivoted directions and began to head towards the noise. He had no other purpose but to find out what this strange disturbance could be.

The stranger slowly crept up to the edge of the woods and observed the strange site from behind a large boulder. Gordon Gordon was wildly chasing around some kind of chicken-like creature through his lab. Fascinated, the stranger decided to take a closer look. He slowly inched towards the small window located on the side of the lab and peered through, careful not to be spotted.

What he saw in the small messy lab with equipment that appeared to be coated in some sort of strange glowing liquid amazed him. On the large chalkboard standing near the back of the lab there were some complex looking symbols and equations that made absolutely no sense to him. But, written under all of the numbers and junk, it appeared as if the scientist had figured out a way to permanently stop the aging process in humans! It was apparent by the fact that the words "I have figured out a way to stop the aging process in humans!" were written boldly in three different colors (green and two different shades of blue, as the first blue ran out).

A stranger peers into the lab of Gordon Gordon

Imagine the possibilities of what he has to gain with such an invention! He could sell the formula to some kind of drug company or something and make enough money the buy a new house, all of his previous belongings, and still have enough left over to buy clones of his entire dead family! He decided to wait until the scientist was sleeping to try and steal the amazing concoction.

Unfortunately for that stranger, Gordon Gordon had ingested some potent chemicals that not only made him act completely irrationally, but also prevented him from sleeping at all for at least the next 45 hours. Of course, the stranger had no idea, so after everything seemed quiet in the lab the stranger made his way to the front entrance, which wasn't too difficult to bypass seeing as it was simply a thin rotting sheet hanging by a couple of nails.

The stranger stood  in the doorway, smiling at himself for making such quick and easy work of entering the lab. He started to walk over to the various shelves and tables to begin searching for his prize. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he began to hear a disturbing shriek come from above his head. He looked up just in time to see a completely insane scientist with wild buldging eyes falling towards him from the ceiling, with a sharp looking scalpel in his left hand.

Unfortunately, on his way down from his hiding spot, Gordon Gordon managed to hit his head on the corner of a lab table. He was unable to apprehend this savage criminal, but the stranger was spooked enough to get the hell out of there. He wasted no time bounding out the door and down the road, only looking back towards the lab several times.

Gordon Gordon woke up in a few hours in a small pool of his own blood on the floor. He took a moment to recall his surroundings, then suddenly bolted upright, smacking his head loudly on the same corner that knocked him out before. Again, he fell slowly to the floor and landed in the same pool of blood.

A couple hours later, he woke up again with a ridiculous headache. He turned over on to his side to look towards the door way. There was no sign of the intruder and the memory was getting a bit hazy. However, he did notice a small white shoe that looked like it belonged to a child mysteriously strewn near the doorway. He picked it up and disgustedly threw it into the garbage, not knowing who it belonged to or how it got into his lab.

Of the Curious Journals of Jungalo Johnson

In his time, the great Jungalo Johnson was the most well known explorer in Ghumada. Perhaps his most exciting discovery was the large sheet of ice formed along the Great Ghumada River in the winter of 1822. Of course, he didn't discover the actual river, just a rather short lived sheet of ice that grew along it for a couple of days.

By the time he was around 84 years of age, Jungalo Johson was ready to make a discovery so huge that nobody would be able to forget about him for the remainder of the universe. So, he assembled his trusty crew consisting of him, his brother, Lungalo Johnson, who had somehow handcuffed himself to a large wooden anchor (iron wasn't invented yet in Ghumada) several years before, and 3 partially brain dead monkeys that functioned only to sweep the small on-board kitchen whenever the water leaked in (which happened quite frequently; their boat was kind of shitty.)

After about 16 minutes of packing and preparation, Jungalo and Lungalo Johnson were ready to leave. Of course, they weren't aware that there wouldn't be anywhere to stock up on food in the middle of the ocean so they didn't pack any. This would prove to be a deadly mistake in the near future for the monkeys on board.

The brothers eagerly waved goodbye to the cheering crowds stationed at the Ghumada Port (destroyed in the horrible explosion that followed several hours later). Journalist Billy Biaston captured the whole experience on a single slice of thin paper, which appeared to be a napkin which he had wiped his mouth on repeatedly before (or possibly after) writing on it. Unfortunately, the document appears to have been incinerated and the only legible writing left behind is the word "the". It was not very helpful in the writing of this article.

only known photograph of the SS Antipurgatory leaving the Ghumada Harbor

On their way out, the brothers, not hugely experienced with the steering of their huge ship, accidently rammed into an innocent fisherman who decided to park his boat in the narrow passage from the port to the sea. The poor man didn't even have time to scream before he was completely overcome by the SS Antipurgatory. This fisherman is said to have tormented the brothers for the duration of their voyage. Of course this is only a rumour told by several conspirasts who were born 30 years after the voyage left with no evidence whatsoever.

this fisherman's tormented soul may have inhabited the ship for the duration of its journey and probably longer

The following is a short experpt from the journal that Jungalo Johnson kept fo the first 3 weeks of his journey. He would have kept writing but the only thing available to write on was a couple of dirty rags that the monkeys used to clean the ovens every Thursday,.

"Day 1
i have spotted a large sea dot. It does not appear to have moved since the last time I gazed upon it at 2. I will continue to watch the strange anomaly until it moves."

This clearly proves that Jungalo had to endure some very vertical conditions! By verbal account of his journey passed down by some natives on a strange isalnd off the coast of Ghumada, it appears as if Jungalo Johnson did not bring a map with him, which could be a contributing factor in why the vessel got lost at sea for over 30 years, considering he didn't even graduate from 2nd grade and has next to no knowledge on geography.

About 15 years after the last known contact with the crew of the SS Purgatory (the day they left the harbor, the short range radios stopped working after about 5 minutes) when everyone thought the entire crew was long dead, a local docile pirate called simply "Hortttt" (short for Hortttttttttt) spotted the ship off the coast of his lonely village( he's the only one that lives there since no one wants to be friends with a docile pirate for some reason). He immediately sounded the boat horn, utilizing the 35 long blasts that he was trained to use for this specific situation. Shortly after, the entire Ghumada government came rushing to the scene in their large vans and such (eyewitness reports also indicate that there could have been an off roading train). However, the authorities dismissed the case, as there was no way the ship could have been real (ghost ship sightings were on an exponential increase in the last 8 years). So, they left and Hortttt sadly watched the boat drift away until it crashed into some rocks and that was the last he saw of it.

Hortttt the docile pirate spots a boat

There were no other reports of the missing crew until 2 weeks ago, when the boat amazingly drifted into the dock of Old Man Yuti's ski resort! Somehow the boat and its crew had not only survived for 34 years, but they managed to maneuver it over 3,000 miles of uneven terrain in the mountains of mid-eastern Ghumada! Old Man Yuti is reportedly upset about the strange green streak marks the ship has left behind it on the ground through his ski mountains.

Yuti is not pleased. He is some kind of strange purple native

We are still trying to catch up with the strange travels of Jungalo Johnson. He has been sitting in a small enclosed space since he got back 3 weeks ago just talking non stop. Like he seriously hasn't paused for one second, not even to eat or drink or breathe. He's like 130 years old so he says he wants to share everything before he can die, since he didn't write anything down anywhere. Somewhere along the way some natives slipped him some strange chemicals that rendered him in a permanent drug induced euphoria so he hasn't been acting right fora while. There is still no sign of his brother or the sweeping monkeys.