Desecrating Control Scheme in Effect During Not-a-War

It's no secret that there is no war going on. Ghumada is currently the poorest country anywhere, according to a list compiled by statistical expert Klarke Jingles which consisted of only Ghumada and no other countries. Dictator Kerver has issued a doctrine which required all currency to be destroyed by means of dirty scalpel. However, Ghumada never had any currency in the first place, therefore making it difficult to destroy the nonexistent currency. It is for this reason that Dictator Kerver imported over 3 trillion cents of miscellaneous currency for the purpose of being destroyed.

Unfortunately, the fire (fueled by several tons of a potent mixture of gasoline and liquid uranium) somehow got out of control (no thanks to the Ghumada fire department that disbanded seven years ago after "the ice cream truck incident"). The fire spread to first spread to Old Bob's house (who still refuses to come out, despite the fact that he is sitting in a pile of smoldering embers) and then spontaneously wiped out the entire city. 

Dictator Kerver celebrating the ceremonial destruction of all currency, actually the whole city 

Old Bob, a proud Ghumadan citizen, refuses to leave his property even after his house has been reduced to a pile of smoldering embers. He will likely die of cancer in the next 6 hours due to the dangerous radiation levels.

Luckily, a motorcyclist was there to save the day (kind of). He showed up about 7 hours after the fires started, but he brought a few buckets. Unfortunately, there wasn't any nearby water supplies so he couldn't use the buckets. He tried to escape but he ran over some rusty nails and the tires on his motorcycle were destroyed, leaving him helpless in the middle of the road. He is probably still there.

Small Jim, while going for his morning walk, noticed something very strange. He is not very observant, so he didn't notice that the entire city was burned down. He wanted to buy a snack from the strange man on the corner, but he noticed that he wasn't in his usual spot. Small Jim's favorite snack was the orange liquid that you eat with a needle. Disappointed, Small Jim took a speedy stroll down to the lake (about a 3 day walk) so he could look for some mushrooms. However, he remembered when he got there that the mushrooms didn't grow by the lake, they grow by the river. So, he spent another week walking speedily to the river, where he found one tiny mushroom.  

Dictator Kerver Makes Food Illegal

It's no secret that the new Dictator defies all logic and nature. Apparently his policies also follow the same guidelines that his existence seems to have come from. Kerver has issued a law that makes all food illegal. Instead, he requires all citizens (and also Old Jim, who refused his right to citizenship 36 years ago) to consume some strange crispy leaves as sustenance.  Gordon Gordon has been too busy cooking up some mind altering "medication" to investigate the nutritional value of the leaves. However, our nutritional "expert", Kurt Bustins, who actually just eats food all day and calls himself an expert, has decided after extensive testing, which consisted of sampling a small amount of the new dietary abominations, that the strange leaves "taste like shit". And we have no doubt that our expert is qualified to make this claim.

Some sort of strange plant that Kerver is making everyone eat

It is believed that Dictator Kerver came to this decision after many seconds of deep consideration, actually about 3. Unfortunately, we could not arrange an interview with the Dictator, as he has a very busy schedule consisting of arranging organic mushrooms in his shower. We also tried spying on the Dictator for several minutes, but his high tech security consisting of 3 and a half gerbils with plastic forks taped to their backs stopped us right in our tracks.

Footage of the security camera in the lobby of Dictator Kerver's bathroom; experts still can't agree as to what exactly is happening.

Many concerned workers at the pork grind factory are protesting in opposition to this new policy. They were easily dealt with though,as the guards at the government building are armed with highly lethal injections of watermelon. This was very effective because now that food is illegal, the protesters were breaking the law by being attacked, being forced to disperse immediately.

Hundreds of workers at the Pork Grind factory protesting against the new food policy.

Now that the Pork Grind factory is forced to close, millions of families will be forced to turn to government welfare in order to provide for their families. However, Ghumada does not have welfare program due to there being no taxes. Government officials once tried to create a tax system, but it didn't work very well due to the fact that Ghumada has no official currency system. Citizens such as Old Bob are concerned for their general well being, stating that "I ain't not gonna not be not because not! am not!". We weren't really sure what that meant, but it's probably relevant somehow.

In other news, an anonymous individual named Glues N. Dark recently returned from his 3 hour expedition to the Ghumada wilderness. He has reported a sighting of Big Bob (who hasn't been seen since he escaped from his restraints and fled into the river) living with the native tribes of the deep wilderness. Actually, he was spotted leading the tribe and being worshipped as some sort of disturbing god figure.

Some sort of tribal voodoo ritual. Big Bob is seen leading it, still attached to the bush he was restrained to several months earlier.