Citizens Neutralized, Dictator Kerver Takes Power

It turns out that Carver Kerver's plans were very different from what we originally thought they were. He has been waiting patiently in the woods for a very long time for the perfect opportunity to take power.

Gordon Gordon finally perfected a device that will allow Dictator Kerver to speak real English, and it turns out that Kerver is actually a genius in most subjects (except for palm trees and soap making).

Kerver used the current Klop Froth outbreak to his advantage by offering a free vaccine to any citizens of Ghumada (and also Big Bob, who surprisingly did not show up). However, what the citizens didn't know was that there was no outbreak, he made it all up! Furthermore, the vaccine wasn't a vaccine, it was a special blend of chemicals created by Gordon Gordon. It was believed to contain several common substances such as nitrous oxide, diacetylmorphine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, and candle wax. Citizens are now required to inject this special blend twice a day, and they don't seem to mind too much. This has caused the riots to settle down at least 100%, except for Crunchy Ken, who was exiled to the Land of Misery to dig drainage pipes for the rest of eternity. The Land of Misery now contains a total of 4,000,000 drainage pipes, although that is just an estimate because no one really wants to count drainage pipes in the Land of Misery.

Pope Frosty Antelope Supreme Dong VIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIXX will remain a religious consultant for now, although he has no influence when it comes to political decisions anymore.

Dictator Kerver's revised higharchy chart 

There is still no sign of President Jaquan.

6 Slices Disturbing Scandal Revealed!

We all know of the strange presidential candidate 6 Slices who appears to be some kind of mushroom alien, but today we find out that there is much more to this potato chip man gone wrong than we originally thought! Frig Pops, while "investigating" some suspicious rumors involving some coconuts and a large butter knife, happened to stumble upon an illegal mound of yolks right in the middle of the street. Frig Pops, wanting to do the right thing, immediately took out his yolk-scraper and began to clean the mess. Upon doing so, 6 Slices fell right out of the sky and began to do a strange dance right in front of Frig Pops! But that's not even the end of it, after the strange dance was over, 6 Slices took out a large wooden fork and began to scoop yolk right out of Frig Pop's mouth!

As you can see, 6 Slices is a disgrace to this world! In addition to this unbelievable act of embezzlement, lead tech advisor Paul managed to hack into 6 Slice's computer and uncover these disturbing emails!

It is clear that we cannot have this abomination as the president of our (kind of) great country!We must destroy 6 Slices and his family of 3 loaves of bread for good! Bring your toasters and other assorted bread torture devices and display your toasters! Also don't forget to read 6 Slices' candidate profile. And well you're there, you can read about the other candidates right on the same page so you can decide who you're going t vote for instead of 6 Slices!

In other news, Carver Kerver has chosen Gordon Gordon as his official vice president. Gordon Gordon has been conducting some secret "tests" on Carver Kerver. We are learning a lot more about the mysterious deer man. Hen was apparently the offspring of a secret government project that involved cross breeding between different species. Gordon Gordon has also apparently created a device that allows Carver Kerver to communicate through regular human speech. However, he can't figure out how to get the device to stop translating into Russian, so we still have no idea what he's saying.

Citizens Protest Over Government, Demand Election for New President

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The citizens are at it again. They have finally discovered how to form half a thought, and they finally realized how terrible their government is. The government is so bad that it's actually illegal. What kind of government makes itself illegal? And if that wasn't enough proof just look at the official government headquarters:

It's for none of these reasons that the citizens of Ghumada have decided to unite towards a common goal of reforming their government. Actually, they just want to make Crunchy Ken their new president, as he promised them free salad buffets every Thursday. No one in Ghumada has ever eaten salad, but they thought it sounded kind of cool so they went with it.

The protests have been going on for a total of 4-5 hours, with 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes. The protesting consists of every citizen trying to start a different chant, so there isn't really a main message to be taken away from all the chaos. Also, Special Tim decided to show up wearing his grapefruit costume.

President Jaquan, the current president of Ghumada, is reportedly still on his annual 11 month vacation in the Land of Lard so he hasn't heard the news yet, but his trusted assistant Political Paul agreed to sit down with us for like 5 minutes. Here is what he had to say:
"If this is about the time I got my head stuck in a watermelon for 6 weeks I don't have anything to say."

Pope Guadalupe, who has recently had his name changed to Frosty Antelope Supreme Junior, claims he has nothing to worry about because he has full immunity as leader of the second branch due to article 355B of the Ghumada Constitution. There are some doubts about this though, as the constitution was destroyed when Gladiator Jim accidentally used it as a mask in the War of 3:55 PM yesterday.

Gladiator Jim

The presidential erections (correction- elections) will reportedly last for approximately 6 months in order to ensure fair results. Anyone is eligible to run as long as they are alive. This may be an issue for Gary the Ghost as he is not alive.

Gary the Ghost

Gladiator Jim has claimed that he wants to run but he probably won't win because he destroyed the constitution. He claims that if elected, he will ensure all citizens have a fair right to collect arms. This will be his primary concern when drafting the new constitution.

Make sure you cast your vote for the primary elections. There will be several phases of election including the primary, secondary, first-ary, and finals. Different candidates will have to make it through one of the primary elections before moving on to the final elections. Candidate information will be published as elections occur.