Exclusive Interview With O'Glascoe P'Dascoe!

We are very excited to announce that we conducted a special interview with O'Glascoe P'Dascoe! This is the first known public interview with the well known literature expert. Unfortunately, O'Glascoe P'Dascoe failed to show up so there was no interview. Instead, we decided to interview this very educated walnut looking thing.

We quickly discovered that this strange cat was not who it claimed to be as it began attacking several members of our crew. We quickly pulled the emergency self destruct switch in a desperate attempt to save humanity. Unfortunately, there was a recall on this model of self destruct switch by Gordon Gordon Inc, and the switch did not work. After several minutes of widespread panic, we discovered that the strange creature had disappeared. Our strange walnut-looking creature expert Parson Jopkins is currently looking into this bizarre case more closely.

Meanwhile, a local trouble-maker known in the streets by the name "Scuff" walked in to our headquarters (which is pretty much just a little shack on the side of the road) thinking that it was a turtle salon. Surprisingly, this was not the first time this has happened so we kindly directed Scuff to the turtle salon across the street. What we didn't know was that this was actually a very offensive threat in hooligan-slang (2nd official language in Ghumada [Even though there is no official language in Ghumada]) So, Scuff returned exactly 45 seconds later* with his delinquent friends Buff, Puff, Enuff, and Johnny looking to make some mischief. They stood there in silence as the entire building stared at them in complete horror. After about 26 minutes** the thugs decided they would just knock over Secretary Janice's cup of rubber nuggets and run out the door. Thankfully, no one was hurt in this terrifying endeavor, although Secretary Janice was pretty shaken up that her rubber nuggets got spilled all over the floor. Ghumada News is providing free psychiatric evaluations for all the victims of this terrible act of violence, which is being called the "most terrifying act of cruelty since Mike shook up all the napkin holders last Thurday" by several different witnesses***.

Real picture of Scuff.  The rest of his gang looks exactly like him, except Johnny, he looks more like a retarded helicopter walrus mixed with a moldy fence post.

Also in the news, local inventor and apprentice of Gordon Gordon, Orkle Albana, has announced that he is going to be holding a large vacuum cleaner auction in the Topiary Dairy Memorial Garden this Sunday from 2:30 am to 2:32 am. In other news, Topiary Dairy is asked to take several weeks off of his job as lead police officer after questioning the reasoning behind the naming of the "Topiary Dairy Memorial Gardens", as he is clearly not dead or in need of memorial. Psychiatric evaluist Trisa Tranquil has suggested that Topiary Dairy is going through a severe grieving process due to his recent death, as can be expected for someone in his position.

Topiary Dairy in action on a typical busy workday. 

*This statistic provided by official time-keeper Bigol Tick, who times everything that happens and writes it all down on a piece of old paper plate

**This statistic is a very rough estimate, as Bigol Tick was taking a break to fix a leak in the floor

***Actually no witnesses