Threatening Conspiracy Halts Government Function

An exciting development involving the newly formed Ghumada Government has citizens lined up in hordes in front a tiny soup kitchen this morning. They might not know about the development but that's ok. It appears as the government's activities have been suspended  due to unforeseen circumstances gathered from intel stationed on the Ghumada and Gordhongo border.

Agent Bread woke the entire Ghumada informer panel at approximately 3:05 this morning in a single urgent screech from across the river. He yelled into the 16th story window, desperately attempting to inform the panel of something important. After being asked to repeat his statement 14 times, he finally gave up and proceeded to jump into the river, where it has been rumored that some suspicious monsters enjoy to roam, usually on Wednesdays.

Agent Bread

For obvoius reasons, this chilled the very souls of the Ghumada informant panel. For this reason, they decided to abandon all of their positions. They inverbally and unanimously decided to simultaneously make a sly escape through the thin shatter proof glass windows (from the 16th floor). Luckily, the head member of the panel, Wingslow Jopman, had prepared for this very event the night before by installing some sketchy waterslides outside the window of the 16th floor. Unfortunately, he ordered the wrong size from the ancient water slide company and ended up with water slides that only reached down to the 5th floor. This created a slightly suspected surprise for the panel members.

In their haste of leaving, it was later discovered that the panel members left behind a single shriveled up corpse in the head seat of the panel discussion table. A crude note, appearing to have been written in a hurry due to the fact that it was written on a rotting black banana peel, left vague instructions for whoever discovered the shriveled up corpse, that this shriveled up corpse is now the new leader of Ghumada due to the fact that the entire panel had abandoned their positions. They also left a scribble carved into the discussion table that they were heading to the south sea and swimming for land. This may be a problem as the closest land in the south sea is a small volcanic rock floating 3000 miles east.

Ghumada Informant Panel group photo 1933

This would not be a problem, however Steward Corkle purchased the floating volcanic rock back in 55 when the earthquakes started, and now inhabits it, spending his days crouched under a tiny damaged umbrella. The dilemma of nowhere to rendezvous at has left the members of the panel with nowhere to go. The 9 and a half panel members (one guy lost his legs in a tragic fall on the way out of the building) can now be seen helplessly drifting in freezing monster ridden waters. We could go help them if we wanted to however it was voted against in a committee meeting in a score of 1-9. Also we don't really feel like leaving. At this time we still have no intel as to the exact reasoning of Agent Bread's urgent message. 

Gordon Gordon's Intruder

In observing the lab of Gordon Gordon from the outside on this particular day, one would notice that the small partially boarded over window has been painted over with some kind of reflective material. But wait, now the smoke settles and you see that it wasn't paint after all but another one of Gordon Gordon's hysterical experiments. For a moment, the uncomfortable silence settles in, then, as if on cue, the mad cackle of a deranged scientist reverberates through the air, sending chills down the backs of anyone unfortunate enough to be in the area at the wrong moment.

"I've done it!" he exclaims, "I've figured out how to stop the aging process!" He proudly holds a small vile of a gooey brown  substance. As he stares inquisitively at his creation, a small curious bubble surfaces and explodes, sending a splatter of disgusting manure-smelling fluid into his eyes. Damn it, he thinks, I've forgotten to wear my safety eye-protection again!

"Ouch!" he proclaims "It itches!" For a moment, nothing extraordinary happens. But, two seconds later, a marvelous change begins to take place. Gordon Gordon suddenly stands up straight, his eyes bulging open seemingly beyond maximum capacity. For approximately 6 minutes, he stands alert without moving. Finally, after what seems like an eternity to any convenient spectator (there were none) he slowly begins to open his mouth until he is emitting an annoying high pitched noise that has never before been heard in Ghumada.

"Holy Hell! I feel as if I could lift a car battery!" And he did, however he didn't have any convenient car batteries laying around the lab at that moment, and he didn't have a car (he decided to ride his favorite rhinoceros/fruit fly hybrid to work today) so he walked over to the nearest bus stop about 4 miles down the road from the lab.

After 3 minutes of slow paced trotting down the muddy dirt road, he suddenly began to run wildly, similarly to some kind of wild running creature that received an injection of otherworldly narcotics. After finally reaching the bus stop, he realized that he had forgotten his neck watch back at the lab. How was he to check how long it would take the bus to arrive without his trusty neck watch!? So, after a quick gesture signaling the bus to move along, he began rapidly scurrying back towards the general direction of his lab.

Back in the lab, Gordon Gordon burst through the door (which at this point was actually a thin hole-filled sheet hanging form the arch where there may have once been a door) He happened to pass by the cracked, filth-covered mirror that he had hung there years ago. A nervous shriek escaped his throat.

"Holy Hell! I look as if I haven't aged in a day!" And it was true, he looked exactly the same as he had this morning. For this reason, he decided to celebrate his new discovery. He got out some snacks and 15 minutes later the lab was filled with music and thick colorful smoke. He also crafted some very bright flashing colorful lights that could be seen from all around.

The small celebration, which lasted far into the night time, attracted the attention of a lonely passerby who had lost his home in an unfortunate accident which resulted in the loss of his entire family and most of his belongings. All he had left of his former life was a wet black t-shirt filled with holes and the small left shoe of a child. He carried these things around as if they were his entire world. Which they were, as the only mementos he would ever have left of his family.

The stranger had been wondering through the dense forests of Ghumada for many hours until he heard the comforting sounds of rude music and mad screaming coming from the other direction. He immediately pivoted directions and began to head towards the noise. He had no other purpose but to find out what this strange disturbance could be.

The stranger slowly crept up to the edge of the woods and observed the strange site from behind a large boulder. Gordon Gordon was wildly chasing around some kind of chicken-like creature through his lab. Fascinated, the stranger decided to take a closer look. He slowly inched towards the small window located on the side of the lab and peered through, careful not to be spotted.

What he saw in the small messy lab with equipment that appeared to be coated in some sort of strange glowing liquid amazed him. On the large chalkboard standing near the back of the lab there were some complex looking symbols and equations that made absolutely no sense to him. But, written under all of the numbers and junk, it appeared as if the scientist had figured out a way to permanently stop the aging process in humans! It was apparent by the fact that the words "I have figured out a way to stop the aging process in humans!" were written boldly in three different colors (green and two different shades of blue, as the first blue ran out).

A stranger peers into the lab of Gordon Gordon

Imagine the possibilities of what he has to gain with such an invention! He could sell the formula to some kind of drug company or something and make enough money the buy a new house, all of his previous belongings, and still have enough left over to buy clones of his entire dead family! He decided to wait until the scientist was sleeping to try and steal the amazing concoction.

Unfortunately for that stranger, Gordon Gordon had ingested some potent chemicals that not only made him act completely irrationally, but also prevented him from sleeping at all for at least the next 45 hours. Of course, the stranger had no idea, so after everything seemed quiet in the lab the stranger made his way to the front entrance, which wasn't too difficult to bypass seeing as it was simply a thin rotting sheet hanging by a couple of nails.

The stranger stood  in the doorway, smiling at himself for making such quick and easy work of entering the lab. He started to walk over to the various shelves and tables to begin searching for his prize. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he began to hear a disturbing shriek come from above his head. He looked up just in time to see a completely insane scientist with wild buldging eyes falling towards him from the ceiling, with a sharp looking scalpel in his left hand.

Unfortunately, on his way down from his hiding spot, Gordon Gordon managed to hit his head on the corner of a lab table. He was unable to apprehend this savage criminal, but the stranger was spooked enough to get the hell out of there. He wasted no time bounding out the door and down the road, only looking back towards the lab several times.

Gordon Gordon woke up in a few hours in a small pool of his own blood on the floor. He took a moment to recall his surroundings, then suddenly bolted upright, smacking his head loudly on the same corner that knocked him out before. Again, he fell slowly to the floor and landed in the same pool of blood.

A couple hours later, he woke up again with a ridiculous headache. He turned over on to his side to look towards the door way. There was no sign of the intruder and the memory was getting a bit hazy. However, he did notice a small white shoe that looked like it belonged to a child mysteriously strewn near the doorway. He picked it up and disgustedly threw it into the garbage, not knowing who it belonged to or how it got into his lab.

Of the Curious Journals of Jungalo Johnson

In his time, the great Jungalo Johnson was the most well known explorer in Ghumada. Perhaps his most exciting discovery was the large sheet of ice formed along the Great Ghumada River in the winter of 1822. Of course, he didn't discover the actual river, just a rather short lived sheet of ice that grew along it for a couple of days.

By the time he was around 84 years of age, Jungalo Johson was ready to make a discovery so huge that nobody would be able to forget about him for the remainder of the universe. So, he assembled his trusty crew consisting of him, his brother, Lungalo Johnson, who had somehow handcuffed himself to a large wooden anchor (iron wasn't invented yet in Ghumada) several years before, and 3 partially brain dead monkeys that functioned only to sweep the small on-board kitchen whenever the water leaked in (which happened quite frequently; their boat was kind of shitty.)

After about 16 minutes of packing and preparation, Jungalo and Lungalo Johnson were ready to leave. Of course, they weren't aware that there wouldn't be anywhere to stock up on food in the middle of the ocean so they didn't pack any. This would prove to be a deadly mistake in the near future for the monkeys on board.

The brothers eagerly waved goodbye to the cheering crowds stationed at the Ghumada Port (destroyed in the horrible explosion that followed several hours later). Journalist Billy Biaston captured the whole experience on a single slice of thin paper, which appeared to be a napkin which he had wiped his mouth on repeatedly before (or possibly after) writing on it. Unfortunately, the document appears to have been incinerated and the only legible writing left behind is the word "the". It was not very helpful in the writing of this article.

only known photograph of the SS Antipurgatory leaving the Ghumada Harbor

On their way out, the brothers, not hugely experienced with the steering of their huge ship, accidently rammed into an innocent fisherman who decided to park his boat in the narrow passage from the port to the sea. The poor man didn't even have time to scream before he was completely overcome by the SS Antipurgatory. This fisherman is said to have tormented the brothers for the duration of their voyage. Of course this is only a rumour told by several conspirasts who were born 30 years after the voyage left with no evidence whatsoever.

this fisherman's tormented soul may have inhabited the ship for the duration of its journey and probably longer

The following is a short experpt from the journal that Jungalo Johnson kept fo the first 3 weeks of his journey. He would have kept writing but the only thing available to write on was a couple of dirty rags that the monkeys used to clean the ovens every Thursday,.

"Day 1
i have spotted a large sea dot. It does not appear to have moved since the last time I gazed upon it at 2. I will continue to watch the strange anomaly until it moves."

This clearly proves that Jungalo had to endure some very vertical conditions! By verbal account of his journey passed down by some natives on a strange isalnd off the coast of Ghumada, it appears as if Jungalo Johnson did not bring a map with him, which could be a contributing factor in why the vessel got lost at sea for over 30 years, considering he didn't even graduate from 2nd grade and has next to no knowledge on geography.

About 15 years after the last known contact with the crew of the SS Purgatory (the day they left the harbor, the short range radios stopped working after about 5 minutes) when everyone thought the entire crew was long dead, a local docile pirate called simply "Hortttt" (short for Hortttttttttt) spotted the ship off the coast of his lonely village( he's the only one that lives there since no one wants to be friends with a docile pirate for some reason). He immediately sounded the boat horn, utilizing the 35 long blasts that he was trained to use for this specific situation. Shortly after, the entire Ghumada government came rushing to the scene in their large vans and such (eyewitness reports also indicate that there could have been an off roading train). However, the authorities dismissed the case, as there was no way the ship could have been real (ghost ship sightings were on an exponential increase in the last 8 years). So, they left and Hortttt sadly watched the boat drift away until it crashed into some rocks and that was the last he saw of it.

Hortttt the docile pirate spots a boat

There were no other reports of the missing crew until 2 weeks ago, when the boat amazingly drifted into the dock of Old Man Yuti's ski resort! Somehow the boat and its crew had not only survived for 34 years, but they managed to maneuver it over 3,000 miles of uneven terrain in the mountains of mid-eastern Ghumada! Old Man Yuti is reportedly upset about the strange green streak marks the ship has left behind it on the ground through his ski mountains.

Yuti is not pleased. He is some kind of strange purple native

We are still trying to catch up with the strange travels of Jungalo Johnson. He has been sitting in a small enclosed space since he got back 3 weeks ago just talking non stop. Like he seriously hasn't paused for one second, not even to eat or drink or breathe. He's like 130 years old so he says he wants to share everything before he can die, since he didn't write anything down anywhere. Somewhere along the way some natives slipped him some strange chemicals that rendered him in a permanent drug induced euphoria so he hasn't been acting right fora while. There is still no sign of his brother or the sweeping monkeys.

Ghumada Forms First Alliance

A previously unknown country has been discovered by the great explorer Jungalo Johnson, who has apparently been on a voyage for the past 34 years and has decided to return now. The new country is called Humpyev.

Newly drafted map of Ghuamda's surrounding lands

As shown in the newly drafted map, Humpyev is located to the east of  Ghumada's rivaling nation of Gordhongo. In order to create a strategic advantage in case of all out war between Ghumada and Gordhongo, the emergency council of Ghumada currently acting as the government has decided to form an alliance with Humpyev. The council, consisting of 3 members: Patricia Marmon (President Jaquan's former first lady), Obagi Obalow, and some guy that works at a donut shop down the road and saw the meeting so decided to sit down, have, after much conversation, decided to send a representative to Humpyev to discuss an arrangement with the Humpyev president, President Muffalarp.

Proposed highway to Humpyev.

One of the matters up for debate is a proposed highway to Humpyev. This highway will completely sidetrack Gordhongo, enabling travel directly between Ghumada and Humpyev. This will allow for transportation of important materials like metal bars and bat cages. The highway, which is planned to be built completely on top of the water, will cost an estimated $444444444. (These statistics brought to you by lead Ghumada statistical expert Klarke Jingles, who may have been using an old bar of soap to calculate the data) It is unknown where the funds will come from as Ghumada is currently in trillions of dollars of debt. The council is hoping that Humpyev has access to more resources than Ghumada currently has, including all building materials and engineers, as Ghumada has none of those.

Visit humpyev.com to learn more about this strange land.

breaking news update: 

After a long 3 week journey by horseback across the water, Ghumada Prime Minister Obagi Obalow has arrived in Humpyev and met with Humpyev President Muffalarp. After a very unproductive meeting, (which took place in a small closed room so it was difficult to see what was happening, but when they opened the door a cloud of thick black smoke poured out) the two leaders have agreed to form an alliance. Under the new alliance, bound by an unprofessional looking contract written in a blue marker that ran out of ink halfway through the writing, Ghumada and Humpyev have agreed to combine collective forces to use whatever power necessary to stop Gordhongo from committing their evil crimes against the world. 

Prime Minister Obalow (left) and President Muffalarp (right) meet to discuss the terms of the alliance

more breaking news!!!!

It appears as if Gordhongo president Dr. Martinez has caught word of the newly formed alliance! Our spies in Gordhongo have informed us that while observing the capital building in downtown Gordhongo through some shitty binoculars, they spotted Dr. Martinez repeatedly kicking a picture of Pope Guadalupe IV in a mad outrage!

Dr. Martinez, president of Gordhongo, has gone completely insane!

 Citizens in Ghumada and Humpyev alike are obviously completely terrified after this act of violence, so they are taking appropiate measures. One Humpyevian citizen, Horace Yungaleek, stated in an interview that "I am taking the family of mine and I am taking them leave". We believe this means that there is a shortage of cotton grinds in humpyev, which is luckily one of Ghumada's only exportable goods. 

Horace Yungaleek, a typical Humpyevian citizen

It appears that citizens in Humpyev have a quality of life similar to those in Ghumada. The temperature is around -43 degrees Fahrenheit year round, but several witnesses led us to believe that they actually enjoy these extreme temperatures, apparent by the fact that most people walk around nearly naked in 4 feet of snow.

typical scene on a Humpyev street during the summer

It is believed that Ghumada and Humpyevian governments and travel agencies will soon open up the possibility of leisurely travel between the two countries, although Ghumada is not exactly a "family friendly" tourist location, with child labor on an exponential increase and nuclear radiation all around.

humpyev.com
ghumada.com

A New Age of Ghumada

After completely destroying downtown Ghumada in a fiery incident, Dictator Kerver has gone missing. Several concerned citizens, including Conspiracy Jim and Heavy Harold, have compiled several theories, including that the Dictator was assassinated, or that he was actually an alien, and they even went so far as to suggest the idea that he was assassinated by aliens. However, there is compelling evidence in the forms of eye-witness reports and video footage suggesting that he took off in a makeshift boat constructed with dead leaves held together by what appears to be unopened bottles of superglue taped together.

Conspiracy Jim

This guy

It is safe to say that we will never see Carver Kerver again, mostly due to the fact that his boat fell apart just two minutes after entering the water and he was consumed by some kind of shark looking creature, it might have been a bird.

Ghumada is left as a smoldering wasteland filled with dangerous creatures and radiation (although it wasn't much better before, possibly worse actually). The citizens have no option but to completely rebuild it from the ground up. Unless they choose to move to the conveniently neighboring country of Gordhongo just 3 miles to the southwest. Most of them probably won't figure that out though.

Meanwhile, Gordon Gordon appears to have taken refuge in a small emergency shelter. The shelter, investigated by our undercover informant (essentially a rat with a small low quality camera glued to its back) is constructed of a small hole-filled sheet suspended over the former site of Gordon Gordon's lab. The land is now essentially a large crater formed when an experiment involving a makeshift atomic bomb and several rusty nails went completely according to plan.

Gordon Gordon eats something he found on the ground in his bunker.

It appears that he has given up all hope of restoring Ghumada to it's former glory. It actually wasn't that great before but it is somehow even worse now. He will probably continue to pursue his interest in growing strange glowing mushrooms and other fascinating plants. When we tried to talk to Gordon Gordon he ran away as soon as he saw us approaching, paranoiacally muttering to himself something about "rogue clone giants". We are unsure what this means but we did discover a small bag of what appeared to be dried mushrooms in the spot he was sitting. We hypothesize that he was using these mushrooms as flavoring in some new recipes.

As we sit in Gordon Gordon's bunker waiting for him to return, (we can see him look around the corner every once in a while then quickly go back into hiding) a strange rattling noise can be heard over the hill. We listen to this noise for about 2 hours without any particular interest. However, as the noise grows louder we can see a strange looking man pushing a small metal cart through the rubble and debris of the ruins of Ghumada. There were no roads to begin with (just dirt paths carved out by some plastic rakes) so this man appears to be having a great struggle pushing his cart through the whole mess. As he gets closer we can see the steam rising off of his head.

Finally the man arrives to our position. He introduces himself as Albert the food man. His cart is made of some rusted pieces of scrap metal help together with some pieces of string. On the side scrawled in red paint are the letters "Albert's Food Cart". The words have been crossed out several times and re-painted to account for spelling errors.

As Albert bends over his knees trying to catch his breath still, we notice that the steam rising from his sweat drenched body is turning into real smoke. The smoke begins to thicken and change colors. Albert is a fantastic display of red, blue, green, and red smoke spiraling into the sky.
at this point Albert is completely horrified and in no way impressed. He is running around, tripping over loose ends of metal beams and other miscellaneous hazards. At one point his hand somehow becomes detached and he has to stop to pick it up off of the ground.

While Albert is being a lunatic freak show, we help ourselves to his food cart. Upon opening the metal tray in the top we discover that the only food item in his inventory is a crusty loaf of bread.

Outraged, Albert falls over dead. Suddenly Gordon Gordon pops out of his hiding place inside an old fallen over chimney and celebrates wildly at the apparent success of his latest experiment. He pulls out a small bomb and throws it into the air. He puts on a small pair of safety glasses and proudly watches as it detonates into millions of tiny fragments. It appears as if everything has gone according to Gordon Gordon's master scheme all along.

An Unnexpectadly Surprising Epiphany

Malk Prime Junior pants heavily as sweat pours annoyingly down his back and upper thighs (not the lower though as a plus). Sharp jungle grass tears at his bare legs as he trots at a brisk pace through the impenetrable jungle landscape. He had been alerted and awoken by his highly motivated attacker, which now followed swiftly behind him, much too quickly to bother equipping a set of pants. He did, however, manage to grab his pretty cool hat that he got at a garage sale for like $5.

Finally, he approached the sound of the busy highway just beyond the dense rainforest. He took care not to slow down a single bit as he anticipated stumbling onto the smooth, free pavement.

Oddly, though, he found not a highway but a rather immense stream of water crashing down the side of a steep rock face. For this reason, among several other unfortunate circumstances that we will not discuss in this volume, Malk Junior found himself rapidly approaching the ground thousands of kilometers below him.

This is no exaggeration. The drop off is quite literally thousands of kilometers deep. Malk is still falling,

20 minutes later, Malk continues his slightly boring descent. He notices a small worm that has joined him falling nearby.

After about an hour, Malk falls asleep mid air. Little does he know that 46 of the 45 international news orginizations have now caught word of this extraordinary spectacle and are now broadcasting it live to all of the countries in the world except for the small desert paradise wasteland Histla-mania (population 65). Nobody likes them anyway. 12 of the news stations have helicopter following close by to Malk.

Malk's furry descent finally ends when he wakes up and decides to stop falling. When he sees the mass calamity that has congregated around him, he knows what he must do. He engages his flight control mode and immediately notices a startling difference. The ground begins to grow smaller beneath him as his rear thrusters engage. Up he goes, until he reaches the upper atmosphere and the edges of the planet in which he resides in.

He doesn't stop there though, he's come too far for that. He keeps going on and on and on until he finds a small crumb of leftover breadwork floating among the stars. He picks it up and flings it in the general direction of the way he came. He is now content to begin his handiwork.

Return of the Nine Slightly Aged Jumpers

A mysterious stranger walks through a dreary forest under the cover of night. The sunlight annoyingly shines in his eyes, disrupting his train of thought. He stops the train and takes a step outside to take in his surroundings. Nothing. He's stopped in the middle of a large desert plain, the only visible life the passengers of his railcars. 30 of them to be exact, though he hasn't checked on them since they embarked over 45 minutes ago. They could be turning on each other by now, motivated by their uncontrollable instinct to eat in order to reverse the starvation brought on by being locked in a metal box on wheels for so long.

 He decides to abandon the train and take it on foot. The man's name is Ridgewell. Bridge Ridgewell, though he usually just goes by Ridgwell. Or Bridge. Or Bridge Ridgewell. It really makes no difference to him what he's called. You could make up a name for him if you want, like Pat. The man wears a dark cape and nothing else, not even shoes. I don't know how he's managed to get this far without even a pair of shoes but he has. The cape has never been washed (dry cleaning is a thing of the past) and it's feathered shreds sway with the cool poisonous breeze brought on by the imminent desert sunset.

Bridge Ridgewell, aka Pat

He decides to settle down for the night after he has covered a good distance, about 34 feet from where he started. He builds a large fire but doesn't light it, as strike anywhere matches are a rare novelty only used in emergencies such as a drought. He covers himself loosely with his cape and falls asleep almost instantly, soothed by the comforting sounds of his miserable prisoners scratching the walls in the rustic boarded up cars of his old train.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the morning, he sets to work finding breakfast so he can begin his journey. By digging several inches below the ashen gray sand he uncovers a rusted can of something. He bites directly into the can and chews the contents satisfyingly. He throws the remainder of the contents back onto the ashes and stomps on it. Bad idea, because now he has disgusting slimy food all over his half disintegrated boots that he found in the back of some shoe store 20 some years ago. Time to get moving.

Abandoned chair in the desert

------------------------------------------------------=-----------------------------
Midway through the day, he decided to take a rest from the miserable sun that has been in his eyes for the past 4 hours. He has sunglasses but they are missing the lenses so he filled them in with some plastic wrap, but they still don't work very well. Ancient dust rolls with the relentless never-ending wind over the road he walks on; no one has traveled here for some time. A single building survived the flashes here, though not much is left, unsurprisingly similar to most of the continent, as he has discovered in his many years of exploring. He sees no other choice but to stop and take a rest in the crumbling old structure.

The ancient glass doors literally crumble to dust as he attempts to part them. This is a very bad sign, because it is considered bad luck for doors to crumble to dust as you try to open them. No one actually said that, he made it up just now. Most things that happen these days are marked as bad luck by him.

The building appears to have been some sort of meat store; a collection of miscellaneous animals stare blankly into the eery darkness of the room, fully preserved by the initial flash of deadly radiation so many years ago. He half expects one of them to start talking to him, he had a dream like that once when he found a boat. The boat was half burnt, but he carried the half that was still intact around for a while, until he realized a half destroyed boat was very heavy and essentially useless.

He decides to take a nap. There is no where comfortable to lay down so he pulls his mattress out of his small satchel. It may be difficult to imagine a man carrying a full sized mattress in a small satchel but Pat has somehow managed to do it for over 47 years.

 He sleeps for approximately 7 minutes before waking to a disturbing sight. He abruptly rises and hits his head on a rusty pipe. The man standing in front of him laughs. If you want to call it a man. The. . . creature stands on three legs, except the third leg has been cut off at the base. So basically it stands on two legs. It has a psychotic grin displaying a gnarly set of 3 rows of teeth filed to rather dull points, still intimidating nonetheless though. It has no eyes, but instead where its eyes should be there are what appear to be glass circles attached by pieces of metal.

A strange creature appears out of no where

After staring at the creature for a good half hour, he suddenly realizes that this is nothing more than an ordinary man standing before him. He tries to speak but discovers that he has forgotten how, so his words just come out as a loud screech instead. The man falls on the ground, presumably because the screech was so loud that it brain washed him to become a servant and obey all orders. Pat walks away proudly to continue his journey, although he has no destination in mind.

As he turns to walk outside though, his worst nightmare becomes a reality. Standing directly in front of him are his worst enemies: The Jumpers. Standing proudly in their skin tight multicolored patched up jumpsuits with smug grins on their dirty sun tanned ugly faces. He hates them. He tries to lunge forward to strike one of them, but finds that he can no longer move. So they've learned a new trick. It's no problem for Pat though, for he has a few tricks up his sleeve as well.

Portrait of The Jumpers, goons of the north.

It's time to use something that he has been saving for many years, waiting patiently for this exact moment. It will completely throw down their guard, they will never see it coming. Pat agonizingly breaks the state of paralysis the Jumpers have set on him enough to reach his right arm into his front pocket to reach his secret weapon. It is very slow going, and the Jumpers stare in awe as Pat takes the next five minutes to move his right arm several inches. Finally though, he finds what he is looking for. A small pellet. Not just any pellet though, for this is a special edition secret blend pellet created by a legendary scientist before the end of the world.

The pellet begins to smoke instantly. The smoke rises up through the cloudless yellow sky and begins to swirl, slowly at first but gradually quicker. It begins to change color. Red, then blue, then red again and it stops changing colors.

The Jumpers realize what's about to happen and flee desperately in separate directions, hopping about crazily in their stupid little outfits. One of them rips its suit leaving everything to hang out. Pat stands there grinning proudly as the vortex of harmless smoke above him dissipates. Another victory for Pat.

Death of a Gardener

He was on a mad rampage again, the fourth time in the last 30 minutes. He was just trying to clean the microwave, but nobody told him you were supposed to unplug it before putting it in the sink. These are the kind of things he wish his father had told him years before, although his father had written in bold lettering telling him to to do exactly that.

His name was Gary. His house consisted of several couches, all pushed neatly against each other in a way that you couldn't actually get in them to sit down. He also had a small portion of the corner dedicated to the kitchen, and next to that the bathroom. It wasn't often that he cleaned, mostly because he was too busy working in his lab.

Gary's house

The "lab" was actually a stove pushed into a closet. The stove wasn't even plugged in. A large cloud of moldy dust emerged from the closet as Gary opened it, using some effort as he pushed 46 copies of last June's newspaper out of the way on the floor in front of the closet. The newspaper's headline read "Local Man Receives Recognition for Wearing Jacket". It didn't have anything to do with Gary, but he thought he needed 46 copies for some reason.

Gary was now becoming increasingly angry for some reason. He decided to take a walk through the street, but not before he did a bit of much needed remodeling. His uncle never really taught him any remodeling, but he read up a bit in the library for a few minutes one time. That was back when he was just a boy, and the governor hadn't banned him from all the state buildings yet. The only tool he had was a large wooden mallet (missing the handle, so basically just a heavy chunk of wood) so he threw it through the thin front door, successfully turning it into a satisfying splintery mess. Gary proudly stepped through his newly replaced door, which closely resembled a large smoldering hole in place of the door.

He stepped out into the street. Children ran frantically to their mothers, and the fathers glared at him with the ferocity of several dying feral cats. Gary was used to this. He didn't quite understand the concept of clothing at the time. He much preferred the sensation of warm iguana milk, so he headed towards the morgue, which was a 55 hour stroll to the island paradise of Borgleton.

After many painful lengths of walking on land that shredded the skin off of his bare feet, Gary was glad to wade into the warm ocean water. He had a vague idea of where he was going, as his grandfather passed down a mysterious legend to him while he was on his death bed. The doctor said he was hallucinating from the pain medicine after the brain surgery, but Gary didn't buy into all that rubbish. His grandfather's exact words were "Right at the Moon, left in the floating Borgle Platoon". It might've been the other way around, but that probably wasn't important. He began his long journey.

Gary walks

It didn't last very long though, because Gary thought he saw a man pour some fruit juice into the water, and Gary might have had a severe allergy to fruit juice. He didn't know this for sure, which is why he decided to visit the local clock store to find out. Quite unsurprisingly, he found little more than a broken stopwatch, which was the last piece of merchandise the strange man at the clock store had left. Gary left 3 dimes on the man's desk as payment, because he was sleeping. Gary went to shake the man's hand, as is customary to settle any deal, but the man's arm suspiciously fell off and turned to dust as Gary touched it.

Gary visits the clock store

For some reason Gary wanted to sing. He didn't know any songs. But he knew a man who might. They called him Old Jim. He hadn't seen Old Jim since the big exorcism of 79 incident. He was pretty sure he was dead. But Gary decided that he needed to find Old Jim. He found a large phone-book looking book; it might or might not have been a phone book. Under the "G" section he spotted Old Jim.

Gary finds a phonebook

After a 15 minute ride in his friend Dennis's homemade hang-glider made out of tissue paper and shoe string, Gary finally made it to Old Jim's house. Old Jim was not excited to see Gary. "You're that damn pesterd that wrecked my orange cob!" Gary wasn't very educated in elder slang, but he was pretty sure this was some kind of friendly greeting. It wasn't. Old Jim got out his slingshot and fired a large chunk of decaying matter at Gary. Gary didn't even have time to scream before he hit the ground and died instantly. It was about 4 hours of loud screaming later that Gary finally took his final breath.

Gary will never forget how Old Jim betrayed him. Also he remembered about the time his great Uncle Ragtie threw a big hunk of slime at him when he was a boy. It is for these reasons that Gary now roams the lands of Ghumada as a disembodied entity, spending his days stealing barbeque and strike anywhere matches.

Gary the Ghost

Desecrating Control Scheme in Effect During Not-a-War

It's no secret that there is no war going on. Ghumada is currently the poorest country anywhere, according to a list compiled by statistical expert Klarke Jingles which consisted of only Ghumada and no other countries. Dictator Kerver has issued a doctrine which required all currency to be destroyed by means of dirty scalpel. However, Ghumada never had any currency in the first place, therefore making it difficult to destroy the nonexistent currency. It is for this reason that Dictator Kerver imported over 3 trillion cents of miscellaneous currency for the purpose of being destroyed.

Unfortunately, the fire (fueled by several tons of a potent mixture of gasoline and liquid uranium) somehow got out of control (no thanks to the Ghumada fire department that disbanded seven years ago after "the ice cream truck incident"). The fire spread to first spread to Old Bob's house (who still refuses to come out, despite the fact that he is sitting in a pile of smoldering embers) and then spontaneously wiped out the entire city. 

Dictator Kerver celebrating the ceremonial destruction of all currency, actually the whole city 

Old Bob, a proud Ghumadan citizen, refuses to leave his property even after his house has been reduced to a pile of smoldering embers. He will likely die of cancer in the next 6 hours due to the dangerous radiation levels.

Luckily, a motorcyclist was there to save the day (kind of). He showed up about 7 hours after the fires started, but he brought a few buckets. Unfortunately, there wasn't any nearby water supplies so he couldn't use the buckets. He tried to escape but he ran over some rusty nails and the tires on his motorcycle were destroyed, leaving him helpless in the middle of the road. He is probably still there.

Small Jim, while going for his morning walk, noticed something very strange. He is not very observant, so he didn't notice that the entire city was burned down. He wanted to buy a snack from the strange man on the corner, but he noticed that he wasn't in his usual spot. Small Jim's favorite snack was the orange liquid that you eat with a needle. Disappointed, Small Jim took a speedy stroll down to the lake (about a 3 day walk) so he could look for some mushrooms. However, he remembered when he got there that the mushrooms didn't grow by the lake, they grow by the river. So, he spent another week walking speedily to the river, where he found one tiny mushroom.  

Dictator Kerver Makes Food Illegal

It's no secret that the new Dictator defies all logic and nature. Apparently his policies also follow the same guidelines that his existence seems to have come from. Kerver has issued a law that makes all food illegal. Instead, he requires all citizens (and also Old Jim, who refused his right to citizenship 36 years ago) to consume some strange crispy leaves as sustenance.  Gordon Gordon has been too busy cooking up some mind altering "medication" to investigate the nutritional value of the leaves. However, our nutritional "expert", Kurt Bustins, who actually just eats food all day and calls himself an expert, has decided after extensive testing, which consisted of sampling a small amount of the new dietary abominations, that the strange leaves "taste like shit". And we have no doubt that our expert is qualified to make this claim.

Some sort of strange plant that Kerver is making everyone eat

It is believed that Dictator Kerver came to this decision after many seconds of deep consideration, actually about 3. Unfortunately, we could not arrange an interview with the Dictator, as he has a very busy schedule consisting of arranging organic mushrooms in his shower. We also tried spying on the Dictator for several minutes, but his high tech security consisting of 3 and a half gerbils with plastic forks taped to their backs stopped us right in our tracks.

Footage of the security camera in the lobby of Dictator Kerver's bathroom; experts still can't agree as to what exactly is happening.

Many concerned workers at the pork grind factory are protesting in opposition to this new policy. They were easily dealt with though,as the guards at the government building are armed with highly lethal injections of watermelon. This was very effective because now that food is illegal, the protesters were breaking the law by being attacked, being forced to disperse immediately.

Hundreds of workers at the Pork Grind factory protesting against the new food policy.

Now that the Pork Grind factory is forced to close, millions of families will be forced to turn to government welfare in order to provide for their families. However, Ghumada does not have welfare program due to there being no taxes. Government officials once tried to create a tax system, but it didn't work very well due to the fact that Ghumada has no official currency system. Citizens such as Old Bob are concerned for their general well being, stating that "I ain't not gonna not be not because not! am not!". We weren't really sure what that meant, but it's probably relevant somehow.

In other news, an anonymous individual named Glues N. Dark recently returned from his 3 hour expedition to the Ghumada wilderness. He has reported a sighting of Big Bob (who hasn't been seen since he escaped from his restraints and fled into the river) living with the native tribes of the deep wilderness. Actually, he was spotted leading the tribe and being worshipped as some sort of disturbing god figure.

Some sort of tribal voodoo ritual. Big Bob is seen leading it, still attached to the bush he was restrained to several months earlier.

Citizens Neutralized, Dictator Kerver Takes Power

It turns out that Carver Kerver's plans were very different from what we originally thought they were. He has been waiting patiently in the woods for a very long time for the perfect opportunity to take power.

Gordon Gordon finally perfected a device that will allow Dictator Kerver to speak real English, and it turns out that Kerver is actually a genius in most subjects (except for palm trees and soap making).

Kerver used the current Klop Froth outbreak to his advantage by offering a free vaccine to any citizens of Ghumada (and also Big Bob, who surprisingly did not show up). However, what the citizens didn't know was that there was no outbreak, he made it all up! Furthermore, the vaccine wasn't a vaccine, it was a special blend of chemicals created by Gordon Gordon. It was believed to contain several common substances such as nitrous oxide, diacetylmorphine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, and candle wax. Citizens are now required to inject this special blend twice a day, and they don't seem to mind too much. This has caused the riots to settle down at least 100%, except for Crunchy Ken, who was exiled to the Land of Misery to dig drainage pipes for the rest of eternity. The Land of Misery now contains a total of 4,000,000 drainage pipes, although that is just an estimate because no one really wants to count drainage pipes in the Land of Misery.

Pope Frosty Antelope Supreme Dong VIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIXX will remain a religious consultant for now, although he has no influence when it comes to political decisions anymore.

Dictator Kerver's revised higharchy chart 

There is still no sign of President Jaquan.

6 Slices Disturbing Scandal Revealed!

We all know of the strange presidential candidate 6 Slices who appears to be some kind of mushroom alien, but today we find out that there is much more to this potato chip man gone wrong than we originally thought! Frig Pops, while "investigating" some suspicious rumors involving some coconuts and a large butter knife, happened to stumble upon an illegal mound of yolks right in the middle of the street. Frig Pops, wanting to do the right thing, immediately took out his yolk-scraper and began to clean the mess. Upon doing so, 6 Slices fell right out of the sky and began to do a strange dance right in front of Frig Pops! But that's not even the end of it, after the strange dance was over, 6 Slices took out a large wooden fork and began to scoop yolk right out of Frig Pop's mouth!

As you can see, 6 Slices is a disgrace to this world! In addition to this unbelievable act of embezzlement, lead tech advisor Paul managed to hack into 6 Slice's computer and uncover these disturbing emails!

It is clear that we cannot have this abomination as the president of our (kind of) great country!We must destroy 6 Slices and his family of 3 loaves of bread for good! Bring your toasters and other assorted bread torture devices and display your toasters! Also don't forget to read 6 Slices' candidate profile. And well you're there, you can read about the other candidates right on the same page so you can decide who you're going t vote for instead of 6 Slices!

In other news, Carver Kerver has chosen Gordon Gordon as his official vice president. Gordon Gordon has been conducting some secret "tests" on Carver Kerver. We are learning a lot more about the mysterious deer man. Hen was apparently the offspring of a secret government project that involved cross breeding between different species. Gordon Gordon has also apparently created a device that allows Carver Kerver to communicate through regular human speech. However, he can't figure out how to get the device to stop translating into Russian, so we still have no idea what he's saying.

Citizens Protest Over Government, Demand Election for New President

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The citizens are at it again. They have finally discovered how to form half a thought, and they finally realized how terrible their government is. The government is so bad that it's actually illegal. What kind of government makes itself illegal? And if that wasn't enough proof just look at the official government headquarters:

It's for none of these reasons that the citizens of Ghumada have decided to unite towards a common goal of reforming their government. Actually, they just want to make Crunchy Ken their new president, as he promised them free salad buffets every Thursday. No one in Ghumada has ever eaten salad, but they thought it sounded kind of cool so they went with it.

The protests have been going on for a total of 4-5 hours, with 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes. The protesting consists of every citizen trying to start a different chant, so there isn't really a main message to be taken away from all the chaos. Also, Special Tim decided to show up wearing his grapefruit costume.

President Jaquan, the current president of Ghumada, is reportedly still on his annual 11 month vacation in the Land of Lard so he hasn't heard the news yet, but his trusted assistant Political Paul agreed to sit down with us for like 5 minutes. Here is what he had to say:
"If this is about the time I got my head stuck in a watermelon for 6 weeks I don't have anything to say."

Pope Guadalupe, who has recently had his name changed to Frosty Antelope Supreme Junior, claims he has nothing to worry about because he has full immunity as leader of the second branch due to article 355B of the Ghumada Constitution. There are some doubts about this though, as the constitution was destroyed when Gladiator Jim accidentally used it as a mask in the War of 3:55 PM yesterday.

Gladiator Jim

The presidential erections (correction- elections) will reportedly last for approximately 6 months in order to ensure fair results. Anyone is eligible to run as long as they are alive. This may be an issue for Gary the Ghost as he is not alive.

Gary the Ghost

Gladiator Jim has claimed that he wants to run but he probably won't win because he destroyed the constitution. He claims that if elected, he will ensure all citizens have a fair right to collect arms. This will be his primary concern when drafting the new constitution.

Make sure you cast your vote for the primary elections. There will be several phases of election including the primary, secondary, first-ary, and finals. Different candidates will have to make it through one of the primary elections before moving on to the final elections. Candidate information will be published as elections occur.

Exclusive Interview With O'Glascoe P'Dascoe!

We are very excited to announce that we conducted a special interview with O'Glascoe P'Dascoe! This is the first known public interview with the well known literature expert. Unfortunately, O'Glascoe P'Dascoe failed to show up so there was no interview. Instead, we decided to interview this very educated walnut looking thing.

We quickly discovered that this strange cat was not who it claimed to be as it began attacking several members of our crew. We quickly pulled the emergency self destruct switch in a desperate attempt to save humanity. Unfortunately, there was a recall on this model of self destruct switch by Gordon Gordon Inc, and the switch did not work. After several minutes of widespread panic, we discovered that the strange creature had disappeared. Our strange walnut-looking creature expert Parson Jopkins is currently looking into this bizarre case more closely.

Meanwhile, a local trouble-maker known in the streets by the name "Scuff" walked in to our headquarters (which is pretty much just a little shack on the side of the road) thinking that it was a turtle salon. Surprisingly, this was not the first time this has happened so we kindly directed Scuff to the turtle salon across the street. What we didn't know was that this was actually a very offensive threat in hooligan-slang (2nd official language in Ghumada [Even though there is no official language in Ghumada]) So, Scuff returned exactly 45 seconds later* with his delinquent friends Buff, Puff, Enuff, and Johnny looking to make some mischief. They stood there in silence as the entire building stared at them in complete horror. After about 26 minutes** the thugs decided they would just knock over Secretary Janice's cup of rubber nuggets and run out the door. Thankfully, no one was hurt in this terrifying endeavor, although Secretary Janice was pretty shaken up that her rubber nuggets got spilled all over the floor. Ghumada News is providing free psychiatric evaluations for all the victims of this terrible act of violence, which is being called the "most terrifying act of cruelty since Mike shook up all the napkin holders last Thurday" by several different witnesses***.

Real picture of Scuff.  The rest of his gang looks exactly like him, except Johnny, he looks more like a retarded helicopter walrus mixed with a moldy fence post.

Also in the news, local inventor and apprentice of Gordon Gordon, Orkle Albana, has announced that he is going to be holding a large vacuum cleaner auction in the Topiary Dairy Memorial Garden this Sunday from 2:30 am to 2:32 am. In other news, Topiary Dairy is asked to take several weeks off of his job as lead police officer after questioning the reasoning behind the naming of the "Topiary Dairy Memorial Gardens", as he is clearly not dead or in need of memorial. Psychiatric evaluist Trisa Tranquil has suggested that Topiary Dairy is going through a severe grieving process due to his recent death, as can be expected for someone in his position.

Topiary Dairy in action on a typical busy workday. 

*This statistic provided by official time-keeper Bigol Tick, who times everything that happens and writes it all down on a piece of old paper plate

**This statistic is a very rough estimate, as Bigol Tick was taking a break to fix a leak in the floor

***Actually no witnesses