According to recent studies conducted by Ghumadian statistical expert Professor Klarke Jingles, the average lifespan of Ghumadian citizens is approximately 32 years. This study was based off of a 15 minute study consisting of one participant.
Lead scientist Gordon Gordon has agreed to share a copy of the report with us:
It is clear from these frightening records that Big Burt is a very average Ghumadan citizen. According to his health records, which were provided by an anonymous nurse working at the Ghumada National Hospital, Big Burt was extremely obese, at a weight of 455 pounds, and diagnosed with type 4.5 diabetes. He has been staying in the hospital for about 4 years due to his “illness” (actually, he just liked the free food because Ghumada law states that all hospital care is free no matter how long the stay)
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BREAKING NEWS:
Gordhongian President Dr. Martinez has been spotted placing strategic steamy asparagus all over downtown Ghumada! Found at Jimmy Billy’s Big Bass Nail Clipping Salon, eyewitness ‘Large Burt’ is quoted as saying “Good Guatemalan Guacamole Guatemalan Guatemala..” We don’t really think that what Large Burt said is relevant in any way, but what is important is that Large Burt is alive, but Big Burt is dead. Also, Dr. Martinez, who isn’t actually a doctor, has reportedly fled to a nearby sip club to sample some exotic juices and bodily fluids. Dr. Martinez is believed to be planning an all out attack on Ghumada, but he lacks all resources and funds to take action any time soon.
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| Dr. Martinez caught placing suspicous asparagus throughout dowtown Ghumada. |
We had a feeling that there was more to this story, so we decided to question Big Bob, Big Burt’s cousin and brother.
Luckily, despite being a mere 898 years old, Big Bob was able to bring some clarity to the situation:
“HURHGAGHAGHGAGHGAGJK HUNJF”
But we still felt there was some missing information regarding the death of 32 year old Big Burt, and it appeared as if Big Bob was still a little surprised to hear of his family member’s death, so we left him alone to collect his thoughts for about 3 minutes. Then we strapped him to a small bush so he could not possibly escape. However, after an insignificant struggle, Big Bob fled into the river and was not seen again.
Lead Ghumadian health advisor. . . well, it appears there is no health advisor. . .
Lead Ghumadian Statistical expert estimates that approximately 100% of the population in Ghumada is overly obese, according to his poll conducted the same night the lifespan survey was conducted. This statistic is likely due to the unhealthy diet consisting of pork grinds. It is believed that if other foods, such as Bark Beans, were made legal, then the obesity problem would be solved. However, President Jaquan’s wife, Patricia Marmon, stands strong in her belief to support the pork grind farmers by banning all other foods.
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| Authentic can of Pork Grinds. |
The health crisis in Ghumada is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. However, it probably won’t because Pope Guadalupe is too busy gluing together his newly revised manuscript, entitled, “Ancient Guadalupe: Ghuddism Anecdotes”.
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