Ghumada's Hidden Treasure

Recently, several concerned citizens have been inquiring about a (theoretical) secret organization of Ghumada Elites known as the Slimy Barbarians. Citizens have been concerned that this organization has been conducting illegal schemes involving the coal mines.

At the last Ghumada council meeting, which took place on Pope Guadalupe’s porch because there are no council meetings, a concerned citizen only known as “Big Bob” listed his concerns in this unorganized spreadsheet.

Slimy Barbarians

By Bob

1. The pork grinds are getting more expensive.
2. The oil coming from the coal mines is interfering with my daily job exercises.
3. Pope Guadalupe is covering up the secret cantaloupe blaster designed by Gordon Gordon.

According to a poll consisting of Pope Guadalupe, Big Bob is what you might call a “Mop Molester”. But you might not call him that, and that’s alright too. Either way, he’s pretty dumb. However, he did make some rather startling claims involving Gordon Gordon, who just recently awoke from his 12 month coma, which he claims was “all Orkle Albana’s fault for not taking the roasting antelope out of the microwave”. Here is what Gordon Gordon has to say when questioned about the rumoured “Cantaloupe Blaster”

“Well, I’m not making any promises here but I might have been working on a special little project involving spring loaded Carp-Gilled Bass. Ok fine, I admit it, I created an automatic beef-blower.”

Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon standing in front of the
smoldering ruins of his (former) Science Lab.

Gordon Gordon’s claims seemed rather innocent, so we decided to investigate the new BASSLOG (Big-Ass Super Science Lab of Ghumada). Orkle Albana, who was recently destroyed in the deadly accident at the previous science lab of Gordon Gordon (The ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE), seemed to be rather busy putting together a progress report for the effects of the Pork Grind shortage. However, Pope Guadalupe threatened to decapitate his entire family if he didn’t talk to us, so that got his attention (even though Orkle Albana was a clone created by Gordon Gordon that has no family). However, at that time, it was his lunch break so he left the lab.

Now, Gordon Gordon is believed to be working on a way to rescue Coal Miner Jo Lopez from the bottom of the endless pit coal mine. Actually, we know for a fact that he is because he told us. But this raises one important question: Why has this accident occured? It probably wasn’t because Jo Lopez fell off of the 2 foot wide circular beam made out of ice that connects one end of the mine to the other. This has many citizens, such as Big Bob, convinced that the secret organization known as the Slimy Barbarians is behind the disaster. But that’s all I can say now because . . . (Loud helicopter/pigeon noises in the background) Oh no! They’ve found me!

(disturbing tentacle noises in the background) No! Please! Stop it!

(You will be banished to the Land of Misery for your crimes!) No! I don’t want to see Uncle Mole!

(Mort Biaster whacked loudly) (Dragging noises)

This is Frig Pops Jr, head of Ghumada National Securtity, and let this be an example to you that illegal news articles on sketchy websites will not be tolerated in Ghumada. Alsom disregard what you may have heard about Mole Ester. He is probably not in the Land of Misery building drainage pipes for the rest of eternity.

(Wait, we’re getting word that he didn’t actually commit any crimes) (Ha! I told you!) (Shut up you filthy rat-neck licker!)

What? you mean we came in here for no reason?

(Yeah, pretty much)

Good Hell! We’ve been deceived!

(Loud slurping noises, sort of like a rhinoceros stepping on a porcupine)

Oh! What a relief, they’ve releases me! This just shows how corrupted the Ghumada security system is, they tried to decapitate me! Well, I should probably go investigate the new rubber-tack they installed on the sidewalk, there has to be some juicy controversy there, right? This is Mort Biaston, signing off. And remember, there’s only three and a half skin-folds in a four-skin mount.