Ghumada's Hidden Treasure

Recently, several concerned citizens have been inquiring about a (theoretical) secret organization of Ghumada Elites known as the Slimy Barbarians. Citizens have been concerned that this organization has been conducting illegal schemes involving the coal mines.

At the last Ghumada council meeting, which took place on Pope Guadalupe’s porch because there are no council meetings, a concerned citizen only known as “Big Bob” listed his concerns in this unorganized spreadsheet.

Slimy Barbarians

By Bob

1. The pork grinds are getting more expensive.
2. The oil coming from the coal mines is interfering with my daily job exercises.
3. Pope Guadalupe is covering up the secret cantaloupe blaster designed by Gordon Gordon.

According to a poll consisting of Pope Guadalupe, Big Bob is what you might call a “Mop Molester”. But you might not call him that, and that’s alright too. Either way, he’s pretty dumb. However, he did make some rather startling claims involving Gordon Gordon, who just recently awoke from his 12 month coma, which he claims was “all Orkle Albana’s fault for not taking the roasting antelope out of the microwave”. Here is what Gordon Gordon has to say when questioned about the rumoured “Cantaloupe Blaster”

“Well, I’m not making any promises here but I might have been working on a special little project involving spring loaded Carp-Gilled Bass. Ok fine, I admit it, I created an automatic beef-blower.”

Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon standing in front of the
smoldering ruins of his (former) Science Lab.

Gordon Gordon’s claims seemed rather innocent, so we decided to investigate the new BASSLOG (Big-Ass Super Science Lab of Ghumada). Orkle Albana, who was recently destroyed in the deadly accident at the previous science lab of Gordon Gordon (The ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE), seemed to be rather busy putting together a progress report for the effects of the Pork Grind shortage. However, Pope Guadalupe threatened to decapitate his entire family if he didn’t talk to us, so that got his attention (even though Orkle Albana was a clone created by Gordon Gordon that has no family). However, at that time, it was his lunch break so he left the lab.

Now, Gordon Gordon is believed to be working on a way to rescue Coal Miner Jo Lopez from the bottom of the endless pit coal mine. Actually, we know for a fact that he is because he told us. But this raises one important question: Why has this accident occured? It probably wasn’t because Jo Lopez fell off of the 2 foot wide circular beam made out of ice that connects one end of the mine to the other. This has many citizens, such as Big Bob, convinced that the secret organization known as the Slimy Barbarians is behind the disaster. But that’s all I can say now because . . . (Loud helicopter/pigeon noises in the background) Oh no! They’ve found me!

(disturbing tentacle noises in the background) No! Please! Stop it!

(You will be banished to the Land of Misery for your crimes!) No! I don’t want to see Uncle Mole!

(Mort Biaster whacked loudly) (Dragging noises)

This is Frig Pops Jr, head of Ghumada National Securtity, and let this be an example to you that illegal news articles on sketchy websites will not be tolerated in Ghumada. Alsom disregard what you may have heard about Mole Ester. He is probably not in the Land of Misery building drainage pipes for the rest of eternity.

(Wait, we’re getting word that he didn’t actually commit any crimes) (Ha! I told you!) (Shut up you filthy rat-neck licker!)

What? you mean we came in here for no reason?

(Yeah, pretty much)

Good Hell! We’ve been deceived!

(Loud slurping noises, sort of like a rhinoceros stepping on a porcupine)

Oh! What a relief, they’ve releases me! This just shows how corrupted the Ghumada security system is, they tried to decapitate me! Well, I should probably go investigate the new rubber-tack they installed on the sidewalk, there has to be some juicy controversy there, right? This is Mort Biaston, signing off. And remember, there’s only three and a half skin-folds in a four-skin mount.

Tragic Accident at the Coal Mine

It was a nice Quatobuary day, until a sudden breath of nitrous oxide trickled into a support beam at the gbmoctsgbawm(Great Big Mine of Coal that Supplies Ghumada's Big Ass War Machine). The beam instantly exploded into a million pork grinds. Such a large explosion immediately collapsed a large section of the mine. We don't know at this time if there are any survivors. Schrum Clocks has really done it this time.

Schrum Clocks, a ghordongan secret agent, was seen leaving the mine. He is suspected of releasing the nitrous oxide which caused the explosion. Authorities are also investigating if Schrum Clocks is responsible for the lack of workers returning from the mine in recent weeks. We found this workers log that shows several workers haven't returned after entering the mine in the early morning hours.

Worker's Log

9-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

1-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

2-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

3-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

4-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

5-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

6-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

9-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

1-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

2-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

3-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

4-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

5-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

6-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

9-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

Based on these startling documents we now know that many workers have not returned after entering the mine in the morning around 9:01. President Jaquan has called an emergency meeting with Pope Guadalupe and and their war supervisor Frig Pops to discuss any alternate energy sources until the mine can be reopened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Breaking News~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This just in, the authorities have heard a message from the bottom of the mine. It's believed that the only coal miner of Ghumada is trapped at the bottom of the bottomless pit somwhere in the mine. The message tapped in morse code reads "Bliggle used boys when acoustic seasoned the saucy salsa.". Authorities have Ghumada's top literacy mind O'Glasco P'Dasco translating the message as we speak.

Jo Lopez is surviving by eating raw coal, which there happens to be an abundance of in the coal mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This clearly worries most of the citizens of Ghumada(who aren't currently enslaved). Several concerned citizens wonder how they will defend themselves from Ghordongo's onslaught as the remaining coal runs out.

Gordhongo Makes Hideous Threats

President Dr. Martinez of Gordhongo has contacted Pope Guadalupe via fax that they will be launching an all out assault on Ghumada sometime between 6 and 6:03 pm. Ghumada war supervisor Frig Pops has advised Pope Guadalupe to take refuge in the War Cellar under the Ghumada headquarters. However, nobody has been down in the War Cellar since the small fire in the kitchen at 2:00 this morning, so Pope Guadalupe chose to stay in his office in the sLong House.

Ever since Dr. Martinez's execution attempt last Sunday, he has been sending demonic thugs across the border of Ghumada to cause terror. The Ghumada army consisting of three and a half poorly trained Gladiators has been able to fight off the thugs for now, but Extreme Captain War General Mike has been reported saying that he has a serious lack of materials and Gladiators to continue in the war against Gordhongo.

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Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon was rumored to be working on a new invention called the "Meat Gladiator" that would replace the regular Gladiators, but his recent accident has left him in a coma, unable to complete the revolutionary device that could be used to wipe out Gordhongo completely.

Ghumada spies in Gordhongo has reported that the Ghordongian army has been hoarding a numerous amount of shrimp and rough wooden planks, which is a clear indication that they are planning a large and deadly assault.

Gordhongian warrior fully equipped for battle.

President Jaquan was recently spotted in a shady roadside cafe communicating via shortwave radio to an unknown recipient. It is believed that he may have been plotting with Gordhongian leader President Martinez. He is quoted as saying, "Hairy wastebands control marvelous introductions; good hell!". This has caused an uproar in the small community of Ghumada citizens that actually know how to read. They are saying things such as, "As a proud supporter of scale-free cow tentacles, it is my personal belief that President Jaquan is actually leading a secret voodoo cult."

For now, all we can do is wait for our unlikely doom to arrive. It is doubtful that Frig Pops will eat dinner tonight because all he can think about is how he left his hair clipping on a small table in an abandoned shack outside of town, which is proof of the growing need to legalize widespread use of garden hoses in Ghumada.